Just now Natania was reading a short article about foxes. We didn’t expect her to say anything else apart from reading the article out loud.

Natania: “Foxes … Kits are baby foxes. They look like little dogs, but they are really foxes. When the kits were born in their den, they were helpless. They had little fur. They could not see or hear.”

“Oh poor things!!!” (and her mouth twisted upside down and a frown came on her eyebrow).

And us (Onysha, Kyrie and myself): Ha hahahahahahah!

My dear, dear Natania, you are such a joy!

I need to write all these down so that I could remember all the joy you’ve brought us, all days of my life.

“Mom … I’m having pains all over … I can’t even walk properly …”

“Oh, the coach scolds too much … I don’t wanna go!”

“Do I have to go? I don’t wanna go … mommy! Pleeeeease?” :_ (
One day, the Second one was scolded and she was crying so much she was really asking for mommy. I saw that and it made me so so sad and I wondered if I am making them do the right thing.  On other occasions, the Small one had to run (many) laps around the training floor at the end of the training session. The very first time she had to do that, she came out with such a red forehead, red cheeks and red chin and eyes that looked like she had been holding in those tears forever. She burst into tears in my embrace. My heart was wrenching … but I smiled at her as I hugged her.

What she didn’t know was … I was in tears too as we rode home in the car.

“What I am putting them through??? Is it worth it???”

They walk like robots without fail on the very next day after training, week after week. But they have been rather good at it – they didn’t complain much about their muscle pains – if I don’t ask them about it.

I keep encouraging them, telling them the GREAT reasons to be trained in gymnastics.

My reasonings went on for months and at times I had to give them a stern “GO! No giving up! Sometimes, living life on this earth … we have got to do what we don’t like to do, and no daughter of mine gives up!”

On several occasions when I asked them if I would stop their gym training, what would they say … one said she couldn’t decide because she realised the value of the training; whilst two said “YES!!! Stop!Please!!!”

Today, almost one-and-a-half years later, the voice recorder that played “The Great Reasons” are not needed anymore. The girls are excited to show their coach what they could do. Two of the girls have a bruise and scratch on their foreheads. The youngest one has an additional scratch on her chin.

They’ve been working hard. Training hard. Enjoying the sense of accomplishment, confidence in their abilities as they pushed themselves further each time they think they can’t do it. The Small one even tells her friends who want to try doing chest-stand, “You must believe you can do it! Trust yourself and do again!”

That’s the way to go girls!

Mommy is so proud of how far you’ve come!

I have been so, so occupied I didn’t even want to write. I mean if I want to I could spare the time, but my mind was not ready to do it. Now I am … for recollection.

One month ago on March 28th, it was my beloved little one’s birthday – turning 3. And it was the first day of her life on earth to be taken away from bosom-nurture. I still remember the day before that – realising it would be the last day to breastfeed her … I did cry (shed tears) as I held her close to me, stroked her head and cheeks. I could still remember those dark eyes in white staring at me when I brought her home from the hospital. And then after three years … it would be the last time I would put her in this cradling hold or perhaps I would do that no more for any other.

And just 2 days ago, it was my eldest one’s 9th year old birthday. Just how much she has grown! And what a beautiful face. I didn’t wish her Happy Birthday when I saw her first thing in the morning – she was a bit disappointed. How did I find out? When I wished her a little while later, she didn’t show her excitement. Then I asked her if she was disappointed, the reply was “Hmm. Not really.” Funny gal.

Tomorrow – it will be my 11th Wedding Anniversary. Wow.

I’m just thinking if we should do something special – a meal perhaps … but just yesterday I’ve decided to reduce my food intake. Or rather junk food intake as well as reduce the amount of food.

Well … we’ll see … where our “mood” takes us.

I started asking a question since November 2006 …

Is it wrong to be ambitious? Is it wrong to want to achieve? Is it wrong to want – the lifestyle I think I deserve to have, to do whatever I want to do, when I want to do it (and of course this means I will no longer worry about anything that has got to do with money). Is it wrong to want to feel my greatness, my glory of achievement? Is it wrong to satisfy “me”? After all, we are great beings made to rule and have dominion over all the things of the earth.

But on 28, January 2008 the answer finally emerged out of the layers of confusion.

raison d’etre = reason for my existence = It’s not about me